Con Artist Confessions #2

OK, I love this one. It's really short (he never even bothered to reply), but I think you'll like the read. To get some of the humor, hopefully you've seen the SNL skit with Christopher Walken where he plays Bruce Dickinson. If you haven't, you can check it out here. Thanks to for hosting it.

So here's the original scammer email:

My name is Daniel Williams and I am an artist.I live in Netherland,with my two kids, four cats, one dog and the love of my life. It is definitely a full house. I have been doing artwork since I was a small child. That gives me about 23 years of experience. I majored in art in high school and took a few college art courses. Most of my work is done in either pencil or airbrush mixed with color pencils. I have recently added designing and creating artwork on the computer.

I have been selling my art for the last 3 years and have had my work featured on trading cards, prints and in magazines.I have sold in galleries and to private collectors from all around the world.I am always facing serious difficulties when it comes to selling my art works to Americans,they are always offering to pay with a certified US Cashier's Check ,which is difficult for me to  cash here in Netherland.

I am looking for a representative in the states who will be working for me as a partime worker and i will be willing to pay %10 for every transaction,which wouldnt affect ur present state of work,someone who would help me recieve payments from my customers in the states.i mean someone that is responsible and reliable,cause the cost of coming to the state and getting payments is very expensive,i am working on setting up a branch in the state,so for now i need a representative in the united state who will be handling the payment aspect. These payments are in Cashier's Check and they would come to you in your  name, so all you need do is cash the Cashier's Check deduct your percentage and wire the rest back.

It wouldnt cost u any amount,u are to receive payments which will be sent to u by fedex or usps from my business patners, which would come in form of a  Cashier's Check then u are to cash it and send the cash to me via western union money transfer all western union charges will be deducted from the money.

If you are interested,please get back to me as soon as possible.

Daniel Williams

And here is my gracious response...

Hey Daniel,

I'd be happy to help you out.  In fact, I don't even want the 10%.  I'll
help you for free because you seem like a nice and honest guy.  I think
that's what's really important in this world - that we reward the good,
honest, hard-working people.  People that understand that the true value of
money is not what is stamped upon its bills, but rather the personal
accomplishment in a job well done.  Knowing that the fruits of your labor
were grown upon your own pure effort and will bring benefit to others.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I believe that the lowlifes of this
world... you know, the scumbags that seek to make profit off of the pain and
misery of others... these people need to have their nutsacks tied to an
electric fence and beaten with cowbells.  They'd scream "Enough!  Enough
with the cowbells!"  And then I'd reply in my best Christopher Walken voice
"I gotta have more cowbell!"  And I would proceed to beat them senseless
with said cowbells while simultaneously electrifying their huevos until they
are fried and served with a side of toast.  You feeling me on this, Daniel?
I know what you're thinking.  Douchebags like that aren't even worth the
dents in the cowbells nor the time needed to clean the crunchy skin residue
off the wires.  And I agree with you Daniel.  I agree with you
wholeheartedly!  But you have to understand Daniel, when you wipe the shit
off of a shoe you're going to get something dirty.  It's the nature of the

You're my kind of guy Daniel, an upstanding entrepreneur giving it all for
the greater good of mankind.  That's exactly why I'm helping you.  All I ask
in return is that you take some English lessons; especially writing.  No
offense, but your email looks like it was written by some Nigerian
homosexual con artist with Down Syndrome.  Really, it's insulting for both
of us - who writes fruity shit like that?  But I'm willing to put that
behind us because I put my pants on just like the rest of you - one leg at a
time. Except, once my pants are on, I make gold records.

Your pal,