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The
Curse of the Polygon
(AKA: How 3D Fucked Up Gaming)
-The Classic 2D Beat ‘Em Up-
Folks, I’m going to tell it
to you straight. You’ve been
fucked. We’ve ALL been fucked.
And the perpetrator is none
other than that spawn of Satan
we know all too well. No, it’s
not Sony again. I’m talking
about the third dimension. That’s
right, the very inclusion of
the Z-axis in videogames has,
throughout history, shit on
the collective faces of gamers
everywhere. And not the nice,
clean cornlog type, mind you.
We’re talking about the concoction
that unfolds when you intake
refried beans, alcohol, and
meat that’s been left in the
sun far too long. You know,
where it comes out green even
though nothing you ate even
resembled green… or blue
and yellow for that matter.
Now I could go on about specifics
like Castlevania, Contra
(pre- Shattered Soldier,
which had issues not necessarily
due to 3D), and Final Fantasy…
but that could take weeks. Rather,
I’d like to focus on one specific
genre of game: the classic 2D
side-scrolling beat ‘em up.
This particular category holds
a special place in my heart.
Yes sir, it’s all about thumping
the AI-impaired skulls of street
punks and hippies with little
more than your hands, feet,
and whatever foreign objects
you can get your hands on. Honestly,
does life get any better than
that?
For me, it all started in the
arcade with the classic known
as Double Dragon. It
was a beautiful love story about
a man coping with the beating
and kidnapping of his beloved
girlfriend, who was as loose
as couch change. I can feel
a tear welling up in my eye
as I type. The screenshot below
brings you into the opening
scene:
 |
Williams
prepares to sucker punch
Marian in the gut. He
would later regret his
actions, claiming that
substance abuse and
peer pressure impaired
his judgment. Our hero,
Billy, would not be
terribly sympathetic. |
But it wasn’t just about love
and regret. It was about brotherhood,
as seen in the screenshot below:
 |
Williams
didn’t count on Jimmy
lending a hand. Apparently,
he was banging Marian
too.
Nonetheless, Williams
will soon be the recipient
of a little aluminum
justice! |
Double Dragon also brought
together some of the greatest
personalities of all time. Most
notably, Abobo, seen
below:
 |
One
Abobo alone leaves you
stranded in shit city
with no bus pass. But
two Abobos with boulders
involved? Welcome to
a world of pain, population:
you. Note that if you
look at the higher Abobo
*just* right, it appears
as if he’s puffing up
a huge afro.
Also, it looks to me
like Jimmy was just
on the receiving end
of Abobo’s patented
“hand clap” from hell.
As a general rule, you
should really avoid
fucking with Abobo at
all costs. |
And finally, what would a beat
‘em up game be without a great
set of moves to kick ass with?
Well, it’d be shit, as can be
seen in some games I’ll mention
later. But Double Dragon
had the awesome hair-pull knee-butt,
which could only be pulled off
once you beat down your opponent
to the point where he was hunched
over from puking up his own
bowels (and that’s pretty painful,
I hear). It was like poetry
in motion:
 |
Get
your mind out of the
gutter you sick freak!
He’s kneeing him in
the face, nothing more!
Not that there’s…uh…anything
wrong with that (assuming
it was consensual). |
The success of the game brought
upon sequels and spin-offs.
Some were good; some were bad.
Here’s an example of good:
 |
Yes,
it’s Double Dragon 2:
The Revenge! Personally,
this is my favorite
of the series; I have
the arcade machine at
home. The NES versions
and the SNES version
are good too. Avoid
Double Dragon 3 (arcade)
though; the stink of
failure on that one
is enough to start a
biological war.
Also avoid the Genesis
versions. They claim
“just like the arcade,”
but it’s kind of like
taking a straw and advertising
it as “just like a tennis
racket.” Especially
if it’s one of those
bendy straws with some
sort of clown on top. |
Here’s an example of bad:
 |
And
when I say bad, I mean
you would be better
off tying your nuts
around a cactus infested
with killer bees and
scorpions than experiencing
this.
But let’s face it; movies
based on videogames
just aren’t suitable
for anything but torture
in third-world countries.
The only halfway decent
one was Mortal Combat.
And we only tolerated
that because
everything else before
it was so God forsakenly
horrible.
If you happened to watch
it, you can rest assured
that some parts of your
brain have been permanently
shutdown from the trauma.
I’m living proof. And
if you have some desire
to kill off what’s left,
keep an eye out for
the House of the Dead
movie coming soon. |
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Anyway,
along with the sequels and spin-offs,
we had the knockoffs. In the
arcade, we had such greats as
Aliens vs. Predator:
 |
Can
you tell me what’s wrong
with this picture?
That’s right, not enough
burning Alien corpses!
Worry not though; he’s
just warming up.
On a side note, if I
were a television news
reporter, I would have
made some brilliant
comment like “he’s warming
up…the Aliens!” Followed
by some forced laughter
by my co-anchors. Doesn’t
anyone have any dignity
anymore? |
Also noteworthy is one of the
very few videogames based
on a popular franchise that
is good. No one would
have thought that this was possible,
but then we were given the Simpsons
arcade game by Konami:
 |
For
the most part, “good
videogame based on a
license” was only viewed
as a paradox. But the
Simpsons arcade game
managed to counter that
statement by actually
being quite a bit of
fun.
Never fear though, there
were plenty of other
Simpsons incarnations
that more than made
up for this transgression. |
Of course, the greatness of
the beat ‘em up genre wasn’t
limited only to arcade lovers.
Many favorites were ported to
consoles over the years, including
the Double Dragon games
mentioned earlier. More importantly,
some companies took it upon
themselves to bring out whole
new games based on this engine,
often exclusive to any other
platform. The most famous of
these would have to be, without
a doubt, the Streets of Rage
series, which helped bring the
Genesis great leverage in its
battle against the Super Nintendo:
 |
Streets
of Rage had it all.
Great graphics, great
music, and most importantly:
great gameplay.
Can you name which of
those three is generally
lacking in today’s 3D
beat ‘em up games (if
not all)? |
 |
The
“neck hump” proved to
be one of Skate’s most
effective maneuvers.
“Get him off me! GET
HIM OFF ME!!!” |
 |
Shoryu…
(cough). Err, bare
knuckle!
So what? Pfft, like
Capcom has never
ripped off another franchise. |
 |
Streets
of Rage 3 featured Shinobi,
one of Sega’s most popular
characters.
Also, I just lied and
this screenshot is a
fake. It would be interesting,
but it wouldn’t fit
with the overall theme…
although neither does
Professor Zan. I know
Sega was trying to hit
up every demographic
with their character
designs, but Zan seems
to have been pulled
directly from the stars.
Specifically, the puckered-up
brown star. |
 |
There’s
something about Blaze
I’ve always liked. Scratch
that, there are a couple
things about Blaze I’ve
always liked.. |
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Those
were the good old days. You’d
think that over time, games
could only get better. Then
3D arrived, bringing in 360-degree
motion to where it was never
intended. Gone was the vertical
rule, whereby if someone was
significantly above or below
you, you were not in the line
of attack. Gone was a consistent
point of view, whereby you could
see all the action around you
and plan accordingly. Gone was
single-screen cooperative play,
whereby you could setup awesome
double-team moves and combos
(although, this could possibly
be alleviated with online play).
What kind of effect did this
have on the “next generation”
of beat ‘em ups? Here’s a harsh
dose of reality for you (be
warned, the following is not
for the weak stomached):
 |
This
game is actually somewhat
enjoyable, albeit still
a complete travesty
to Sega’s beat ‘em up
legacy. They did stay
true to form on other
legendary Sega fronts
though, such as having
some of the worst voice
acting ever heard.
It also features the
ugliest damsel
in distress character
ever seen in
any videogame. I’d post
a picture, but then
you’d go blind and miss
out on the rest of the
unholiness I have planned. |
 |
This
game is simply repulsive.
The only saving grace
was that they had enough
sense to put the 2 player
cooperative mode in
so that it would be
easier to spread the
word on just how much
of an abomination it
is.
Other games wouldn’t
even manage to do that
right… |
 |
…and
here’s our first example.
But the disaster doesn’t
stop there. You’ve got
a terrible story, a
terrible fight engine,
and terrible camera
issues. Of course, there’s
always the simp who
says, “But da graphics
are da bomb!” Well that’s
all well and good, but
it’s kind of like a
girl with a beautiful
face that you then find
out smells like a dead
rat and has a dick in
her shorts that’s not
yours. Kind of kills
the romance, ya know?
On the plus side, like
many other Square games,
the characters are sporting
some very cool outfits.
That’s assuming you’re
homosexual, of course. |
 |
Ah
yes, here we have what
I’d like to declare
one of the worst games
of all time. This game
also features the critically
acclaimed “one-player
simultaneous” technology.
There really aren’t
any words I can use
to sufficiently describe
the onslaught of agony
this game is. Let’s
just say if I were to
invent a device that
could power the world
on pain, it could run
forever on this game
alone.
I feel filthy having
just touched this steaming
pile of refuse. And
keep in mind this is
coming from someone
who uses an avatar of
Uncle Sam fondling Porky
Pig. |
There you have it folks, from
our pristine past to our sordid
present. It’s enough to make
you want to deliver an invincible
elbow punch to these meat-pipe-smoking
developers who shovel this 3D-tainted
filth out to unwary consumers
across the globe. Now don’t
get me wrong, it’s not all
maggot vomit. There are the
occasional satisfactory titles
that make it out, such as Dynasty
Warriors 3, shown here:
 |
Confucius
say: Even most seasoned
gourmet appreciate unripened
apple, if fed shit long
enough. |
But alas, it’s no substitute
for the games that pioneered
the genre in the great 2D age.
I can only dream that some day
developers will come to their
senses and bring back 2D roots
to this inexorably corrupted
genre. I get the feeling that
we’ll see State of Emergency
2 before that happens though.
In the meantime, I had better
continue my work on that “pain
to energy” device…
--Eltis out
Links of interest:
Double Dragon Dojo
Streets of Rage Online
Killer
List of Videogames
Videogame Museum
Abobo.com |
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